August 17, 2013; Phoenix, AZ, USA; Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Miles Austin (19) runs the ball against Arizona Cardinals during the first half at University of Phoenix Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Gary A. Vasquez-USA TODAY Sports

Dallas Cowboy WR Miles Austin Donates Chronically Injured Hamstring to Science

Dec 16, 2012; Arlington, TX, USA; Dallas Cowboys wide receiver MIles Austin (19) cannot make a catch in the second half against the Pittsburgh Steelers safety Robert Golden (21) at Cowboys Stadium. The Cowboys won 27-24 in overtime. Mandatory Credit: Tim Heitman-USA TODAY Sports

In an effort to help explain one of the great Mysteries of the Universe, Dallas Cowboy’s WR Miles Austin has decided to donate his left hamstring to science.

“There comes a time when you just want to give back, ya know? I was just layin out on the training table counting my money and thought now was the time.”

-Stated the selfless Miles Austin

Word out of Valley Ranch is Austin will continue to rehab in spite of removing the all-important and completely irreplaceable muscle. An unnamed inside source even spotted him working hard dropping balls within the team’s indoor practice facility early this morning.

The decision came mid-afternoon on Tuesday and was officially announced to the public early this morning through this press release:

After years of chronic muscle pulls, tweaks, tears, and yanks, Miles Austin has informed the Dallas Cowboys he will be donating his hamstring to science. Some of the world’s best scientist are leaving their current projects like world hunger, cold fusion, dark energy, and other fairly worthless endeavors-  to better understand the complexities and the mysteries of Miles Austin’s perpetually injured hamstring.

Austin will continue to be a member of the Dallas Cowboys and will continue to be a game-time decision for the entirety of his contract. The front office is currently in talks with Austin and his agent about an extension that would keep Austin in Dallas through the 2024 season.

No word on how head coach Jason Garrett plans to use the now-monopod receiver in the Dallas Cowboy’s dynamic offense but theories are abound concerning new tailor-made plays.

NFL Analyst Warren Sapp speculates,

“If the Cowboys can find a way to protect QB Tony Romo for 20 or 30 seconds in the pocket, Austin could hop down field and get position in the end zone. He should be wide open because – who would cover him?”

Sapp concluded using his patented uncomfortable amounts of bulging eye contact,

“…With any luck the Cowboys could draw a pass interference call after Austin drops the ball.”


The Truth: This article is clearly in jest and not a single item or quote is even remotely factual or accurate. The purpose is simply to poke fun at the Cowboys most inconsistent and injury-prone star player. His hamstring injuries are so common it’s almost funny. Almost. The sad truth is Austin is one of the highest paid players on the team and unless he takes a very substantial pay cut in 2014, he will surely be cut next offseason.

Real Injury Update: The real scoop on Miles Austin’s injury is that it is not a serious hamstring injury. He is listed as day to day and will most likely receive Questionable or Doubtful status meaning he has 25%-50% chance of playing. Hamstrings can linger if not allowed to heal so the Cowboys will probably take this slow. He still hasn’t practiced so don’t expect him to play in week 4.

Tags: Dallas Cowboys Jason Garrett Miles Austin Warren Sapp

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