Thoughts From a Dallas Sports Fan

EDITOR’S NOTE: The following post was contributed by Seth Jones.

I like the Dallas Cowboys, even though they seem completely hopeless under the petrifying gaze of Jerry Jones, who I am likely not related to. From what I understand, Jerry would be a fun man to party with. He likes to party. He likes to drink rich man spirits as he stomps drunkenly through a rich man’s bar, tearing his rich man clothes while toppling over rich man mahogany bar stools. If it sounds like I’m bitter about him being a rich man, then please discard that notion. I’m not bitter about that. I’m bitter about the fact that he conducts himself like he is drunk 24 hours a day.

Obviously, I have no proof that he spends every waking hour drunk. But I do have some hard hitting evidence. Have you ever seen his Papa Johns commercials? Do you think he was sober while he rapped and danced for the camera like a performing spider monkey on the cart of a man who resembles the Sultan of Agrabah? I am .16% sure that he was not sober during the taping of those commercials. It may not seem very sure, on the surface, but my level of sureness matches his number on the blood alcohol chart during the taping of that commercial.

Of course he spends his entire life drunk. Why else would he neglect to focus on improving the offensive line? Why else would he hire a head coach, who has never been a head coach in the past, and allow him to continue calling plays and coordinating the offense while learning how to be an NFL head coach? Why else would he continue to be the general manager of this team while also dealing with sponsors, filming commercials, dressing up as Jack The Pumpkin King for Halloween, and installing slutty panties retail outlets in his over-rated stadium?

I think about the Cowboys, the only NFL team that I’ve ever loved, and I get sad.

I like the Dallas Mavericks, even though Dirk’s body is finally showing significant signs of aging and despite the fact that they lost Jason Terry (a player who is irreplaceable for the Mavericks). Their 4th quarter energizer bunny is gone. That is a lot of 4th quarter offense that is now missing, much like Bugs Bunny’s genitals.

The Dallas Mavericks have a lot of new parts. Elton Brand, Darren Collison, Chris “White Person” Kaman, Orange Juice Mayonaise. They are all serviceable players. But are they enough? Can they compete with the super teams like the Celtics, Lakers, and Heat? Can they even compete with FAKE teams like the Clippers and the Warriors? Nobody knows the answer to that question. I am a huge Ricky Carlisle fan, so I take solace in that. Still, the Mavericks are in a strange place right now. I have a bad feeling about this season, but I shouldn’t. They had a similar blueprint to their championship team: role-players who can also play defense, a coach who is obsessed with proper match-ups, and an owner who is a lovable douche-bag. I believe the hole that Terry left will be difficult, if not impossible, to patch up.

I think about the Mavericks, the only NBA team I’ve ever loved, and I get sad, happy, sad, I make a sandwich, I eat that sandwich, and then I get happy. I get happy, not because of the Mavericks, but because of how good the sandwich was. And then I get sad. (Because of Jason Terry). Thanks a lot “Jason”.

I like the Texas Rangers, even though we had an improbable and depressing ending to a season where it looked like we were just checking our watches while we waited for the post season to start so that we could wreck every team we faced on our way to finally reaching the top of the mountain and peeing all over it, thus claiming our territory once and for all.

Everyone hates Josh now. Even people who loved Josh are now hating Josh. Is it because he’s white? Is it because he acts like a White Mexican who was raised by Black men who think they’re Asian? Is it because his tattoos look stupid? DO his tattoos look stupid? I don’t know anything about tattoos. But I do know that Jurickson Profar is a badass. I am extremely excited to see him play. I think that his jersey sales alone will help us sign CC Sabathia, Clayton Kershaw, and the ghost of George Steinbrenner.

I think about the Rangers, the only MLB team I’ve ever loved, and I get excited. Not sexually. I get excited mentally. 2012 left a bitter taste in my mouth, but I can feel it filling up with sweet watermelon juice and that Jumex stuff from Mexico that I used to be scared of. My bitterness is subsiding and I am checking the newspaper every day for possible trades and signings by the Texas Rangers. Obviously, I’m joking about the newspaper part. I was born in 1986. I’m not even sure what paper IS.

I like college football, the sport that gives me the most goosebumps while I’m naked and thinking about sports. The Longhorns suck. Mack Brown thinks that his team is really good but they just aren’t catching the proper breaks. Therefore he won’t leave, unless he is kicked out. Hey, Mack, your defense plays like 6 of the players are wearing blindfolds. You quarterback under-throws 75% of his passes. Yes, I just made that statistic up, but I think that it’s fairly accurate. More accurate than your quarterback, anyway. (Pause for everyone to stop laughing at that awesome sports pun) ……… 

TCU is having a rough first year in the BIG12. They lost their quarterback. Much like Latarian Milton, he thinks it’s fun to do bad things. He likes to do hood rat things with his friends.

North Texas continues to schedule teams that are essentially in the NFL in comparison to the Mean Green. They are cashing checks by scheduling these games. But to build a program, you must win games. Recruits will not come to play football for you when they know that LSU, Alabama, Kansas State, and other teams of that calibre are going to trounce them while they are helping to “build the program”, which is a farce. Pick one: Schedule money games, or build a program that makes money by winning. North Texas seems to prefer the former.

SMU signed Garret Gilbert. Good luck with that, ‘Stangs. Good luck.

I think about college football, the sport that hardens my nips with the most force and impressive streamlined efficiency, and I do the Napolean Dynamite dance. Because college football is incredible.

On a cool Autumn night, a man sits alone with his thoughts.