Game by game predictive tale of the Dallas Cowboys 2020 season

ARLINGTON, TX - OCTOBER 14: Dallas Cowboys (Photo by Wesley Hitt/Getty Images)
ARLINGTON, TX - OCTOBER 14: Dallas Cowboys (Photo by Wesley Hitt/Getty Images) /
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New York Giants vs Dallas Cowboys (Photo by Jim McIsaac/Getty Images)
New York Giants vs Dallas Cowboys (Photo by Jim McIsaac/Getty Images) /

Week 5: New York Giants vs Dallas Cowboys

With the dawg pound in their rearview mirror, all looked good. However, midweek chief Jerry Jones noticed some familiar faces strolling into towns on the shoulders of some giant men. (These men were at least eight feet tall) This triggered chief McCarthy as he didn’t want any trace of former chief Jason Garrett in his town.

The team could not have been more prepared. Chief McCarthy had his numbers team figure out how to exploit the relatively unathletic profiles of the giant men. Deputy chief Kellen Moore loaded his pad with all types of plays the giant men were sure they had never seen before.

The giant men finally reach the greater Dallas-Fort Worth area and it seems the residents of the area aren’t as scared as the men thought they’d be. In fact, the residents seem to be laughing uncontrollably.

Angry, deputy chief Garrett tries to be physical and attack captains DeMarcus Lawrence, Gerald McCoy, Tyrone Crawford, and Dontari Poe. However, that doesn’t prove successful as Lawrence and Crawford were recently employed under chief Garrett.

With the giant men’s offensive attack rendered useless, deputy chief Moore elects to confuse chief Judge and his defense with all types of runs. Instead of winding up his sidearm, sheriff Prescott elects to use his horse and run around the giant men. Unable to catch him at their relatively slow pace, all the giant men run into each other and fall down after many collisions.

Chief McCarthy decrees deputy chief Garrett shan’t return to the greater Dallas-Fort Worth area ever again before chief Jerry Jones steps in asking that he return at least once a year to say hello.

Giants 14, Cowboys 35

Week 6: Arizona Cardinals vs Dallas Cowboys

After taking care of the giant men the previous week, the team has yet to deal with another challenger. However, as the clock struck midnight on Monday, a sea of red hit the greater Dallas-Fort Worth area. Chief McCarthy fears the worst; the sea of red is the cardinals from Arizona, the same cardinals that required him to change his posting from Wisconsin to Texas.

Even with an extra day to get prepare for an attack, it seems the Cowboys weren’t ready for this attack. The cardinals came in with an aerial attack, unlike anything the Cowboys have seen thus far. These cardinals, of species Kliffus Kinsburius, elected to attack only using aerial maneuvers.

The combination of this aerial attack with famed cardinals Kyler Murrite and Deandrus Hopkinsite proves too much for the Cowboys defensive mechanisms. The speed of Murrite and the flying ability of Hopkinsite is far superior to anything the team had.

Sheriff Prescott tried to combat by winding up his sidearm to use his whip but even he struggled to maintain his accuracy this Monday morning as he had been largely successful this far into the great expedition in the year of our lord 2020. After the skirmish, sheriff Prescott promises the residents of the greater Dallas-Forth Worth area that his sidearm will prove true for the rest of the great expedition.

 Arizona 31, Dallas 17

Week 7: Dallas Cowboys at Washington Redskins

The Cowboys look to avenge the shocking loss of yesterweek by heading to the nation’s capital. In years past, the Cowboys have been able to handle their business. This year, things have changed in the capital. A new chief is in town and so is some new management.

The Cowboys entered the nation’s capital looking wreak havoc, but it seemed as if the ghost of Bruce Allen loomed large across the city as residents of the DC area were in constant fear of something bad happening.

Alas, the group was able to continue with their great expedition in the year of our lord 2020 without much damage to their party.

Dallas 34, Washington 17

Week 8: Dallas Cowboys at Philadelphia Eagles

The Cowboys look to commute back home but are forced to make a bit of a detour as the team did not want to travel through the Appalachian mountains again. As they made their commute west, the Cowboys noticed a funky smell. The stench was something familiar, but none of them could quite figure out what it was. It was then that deputy Elliott knew exactly what that smell was. Not too far in the distance, Elliott could see an Eagle resting on the top of a convention center. It was time for the notorious “Dallas Week” in Philadelphia.

The Cowboys entered Philadelphia to a swarm of boos. Insults about sheriff Prescott were being thrown around everywhere.

“His sidearm is useless and he gets paid like one of the top sheriffs in the entire country!”

“Our most famed eagle has a stronger bone structure in his wings than your sheriff has in a sidearm! In fact, it was good enough to defeat the foes from all over the country!”

The insults got louder and increasingly false, but that didn’t faze sheriff Prescott. He had come to Philadelphia several times. The calendar had just flipped to the month of November. Now it was his time to shine more than ever! Sheriff Prescott spurred his horse and charged at the eagle at the top of the convention center. Not shortly after, deputy sheriff Cooper, deputy sheriff Gallup, and the lamb all charged to support sheriff Prescott.

In response birds from all directions started to fly. They were nowhere to be seen, but the moment those four entered the building the eagles swarmed from every direction. In Philadelphia, this deception tactic was given the moniker “The Philly Special,” but the Cowboys knew about its existence. The sneak attack would render useless against a group of Cowboys that had established dominance in the nation’s capital the week before.

Once in the building, the sheriff, the deputies, and the lamb all tried to find the quickest way up. However, before they could gameplan accordingly, the floor shock. A collision had happened, but they were unsure of where it came. The four cowboys headed back outside and were stunned by the sight. It seemed that inspector Trysten Hill had lost control of his horse and it ran into a statue. However, it seemed that the statue was still in construction hence it wasn’t firmly placed into the ground. The statue had fallen over and broke through the outside wall of the convention center. This demolition was good enough to create a tremor that caused the eagle at the top of the building to fall off.

All the eagles and Cowboys rushed to the roof to see what happened. It was on this fine day in November that the Cowboys had pulled through as the wing of the eagle looked noticeably injured. The eagles were shocked and rushed to the bird’s side. The Cowboys knew they had done enough damage and elected to retreat. They had won the battle this time, but the attitude was going to be noticeably different when the eagles eventually swarm into town.

Dallas 31, Philadelphia 20